Quandary: Am I irritated or disappointed?
…I can’t decide. The mental battle for the answer to this is in full force right now, proving very distracting while trying to function like a normal human being. Blah.
What I do know, however, is that I’m currently feeling quite introspective, so let’s see where that takes us…
I’ve been trying to sort out a lot of things lately, making decisions regarding stuff I’ve put off dealing with until “after the holidays,” and…I’ve come to the realization of a few things that I’ll share with you in just a second. But first, you know those “getting to know you” games they play in relief society or at little gatherings/parties, whatever, with lists of superficial “getting to know you” questions like, “what’s your favorite candy” (as if telling people I enjoy Mounds really says anything significant about me), “what is your favorite flower” (calla lily…so I’m plain? Dunno.) or “list three words that describe you”?
Well people, I think I’ve got my words (or…phrases, rather).
I AM (in no particular order):
1. Debilitatingly analytical
2. Overly cynical
3. Irrationally rational (yeah.)
I am also very independent. More so than maybe even I realize. This is clearly a defensive mechanism. I hate getting hurt and/or disappointed by people/situations, so I make sure I don’t place my happiness in the hands of others because they’ll inevitably disappoint/hurt me (not always intentionally). If not today, tomorrow. If not tomorrow…sometime...right? On occasion, though, I do let my defenses down and start to place faith in certain individuals (people that, maybe, I feel have done the time or have proven themselves reliable..?). As pathetic or sad as it sounds…I hate when I do that. I abhor vulnerability. Giving someone even the tiniest bit of power over my happiness has proven…the most impossible thing for me to do (#insight).
Similarly, I hate hurting/disappointing others. I allow only a few people to see “Me-Me.” I’d say that I put on somewhat of an act for the outside world (were the Academy and Hollywood Foreign Press evaluating my performances over the course of my lifetime, I’m confident my room would have shelves lined with Oscars, Golden Globes, etc.), but I feel like it’s more accurate to describe myself as functionally bipolar. By that I simply mean, I’m always me, just different versions of me (ie. Work-Me, Church-Me, Social-Me, etc). Most people do this (and you’re lying to yourself if you say that you don’t), so it’s not that I feel fake…but it does get rather exhausting, doesn’t it?
I’m not too sure what I aimed at getting from writing these thoughts out…or how long I’ll keep this post up, but I think I might like to revisit these thoughts sometime down the line.
And yeah…I do kind of feel better. Anyway. I’ll put up some picture-posts of the holidays and such soon! (before the semester starts, I swear).
“Late’aahhzzzzz”
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